Conclusion

I have been chewing on the fight within the UMC for quite awhile. This fight has been going on for decades and at the heart of it lies the question, "Are we called to recognize and repent from sin or are we called not to judge?" As you might imagine, the two sides have two very different implications, and for a long time, the latter has been more persuasive to me because, well, it's sexier. When we're called not to judge, there is an implicit attitude that whether or not sin exists, we shouldn't judge it, shouldn't name it, and therefore shouldn't expect others to repent of it. This easily transitions from "others" to the self, and we cease to view Jesus as a salvific figure and instead choose to view him as that beer-run buddy who doesn't give two hoots what we did with whom last night.

But now...now I see that this is false, full of a fool's arrogance.

To recognize sin as given to us in Scripture is not to judge the person who commits the sin. Even Jesus commanded healed persons, "Go and sin no more." We are called to a sanctified, continually purified lifestyle, not one of degredation and moral relativity. Jesus is our friend, sure, but he's a real friend, not the beer-run buddy we imagine him to be. We reduce him to a gross misrepresentation of his true self when we assume he'd sit quietly in a group therapy session, affirming everyone. Jesus, instead, is the truth-teller, the one who sees through the lies and half-truths, the one who demands that we respect him enough to be honest with ourselves and accountable to God. We should appreciate this about him.

Perhaps this new understanding has been brought about by a recent friendship's end, a friendship in which I was expected to be supportive (but not too supportive, otherwise I was pressuring) and positive (unless the friend wanted me to agree with her negativity). I began to realize that there was no room for ME, no room for my opinions or attitudes toward life. I chose to end the friendship because continuing it was an exercise in futility, and perhaps it was then that I realized we often put Jesus in the same spot when we accept his Grace but not the responsibilities entailed, when we accept the offering of salvation without the necessary truth, when we force him to be what makes us feel good about ourselves.

We are unfair to him when we refuse to name and repent from our sins. We are dishonest with other Christians when we pretend to condone that which God has laid down as sinful. And, perhaps, we are simply lying to ourselves. Acknowledging truth that already exists is different from judging the entirety of a person--only God can do that. What we see in part, God sees in whole. But should we be unwilling to care for and correct the part because we do not see the whole? We do not hesistate to correct a child who is hurting another child simply because we are not the parent, and neither should we hesitate to rebuke sinful behaviour of another simply because we are not the heavenly parent. Only God can judge a person, but we can recognize and rebuke sin--in fact our repenting of sins and God's judgment are meant to go hand-in-hand. When we repent of our sins, God's judgment is mercy itself. When we insist we are free from sin, we through salt into Jesus' wounds and win no mercy from God.

Great Weekend

Yep, that's right, my weekend was great. KC was sunny and had a light breeze--such perfect weather that every possible moment, I was sitting out on the back patio with a book, sunglasses, and whatever dog would come out with me. Love-ly! The Royals game went well and I "sang" beautifully (even though I recorded it over a week ago). Everyone thought it was great and told me so. It was quite a moment for the ego of a woman who "used to sing" but no longer does. I guess I still got it. It's a bit similar to the feeling of fitting into the pants you were CONVINCED you had grown out of, which I also did last week.

Speaking of fitting into pants, my husband and I have begun something of a get in shape program, though there's really no program and we're not working out at the same time. Nor do we weigh ourselves, take measurements, or set goals. It basically consists of committing to jogging on the treadmill at least four times a week and sticking to a more nutritious, healthy diet. I am in better shape than my husband and lately he has been really bothered by his weight gain since we met. I've been concerned about mine, too, but perhaps because women are supposed to have curves, I have been able to laugh mine off more. I wish I could figure out a way to support him without making him feel overweight, but so far it seems that just encouraging him without being pushy is going okay. I think when he starts making progress I'll be sure to notice, but until then, there's not much to say.

So, I just jogged/powerwalked two miles, took a shower, and now I'm making some plain pasta for dinner. We're out of pretty well everything grocery-wise, and we don't want to stock up too much because Friday night we're headed for a vacation in Colorado. We'll hike, fish, and generally stay outside and stay healthy as much as possible. We REALLY need a vacation!!!! Boy are we ever ready.

Guess that's all the news. I had some thoughts earlier but I've forgotten them. I think I'll grab my book to read during dinner, as hubby is out at a meeting until 9.

It's Official!

Today I got the news that I've been hired on for good in the role I've been doing. Same pay, better hours, and I actually enjoy it! Amazing, really, how events unfolded. I'm quite pleased with it all. I have been getting to know my real boss this week (last week he was out of town and I was reporting directly to his supervisor) and he's great. I really like working with him. The official email to the office was sent out today and I got notes of congratulations from folks all over the country. Everyone seems pleased and so am I.

Speaking of being pleased, I think I must have the best husband in the world. He is so thoughtful and bought me a fancy pair of earrings for our anniversary! I've wanted earrings like this for a long time, and he spent the morning driving around, looking at them and choosing a pair. He bought the pair this afternoon and gave them to me when I got home. I am wearing them now and I'm SO pretty! I love them. Oh, and he made it a point to tell me all the ways in which I deserve such a beautiful, indulgent gift, pointing out all the things I've done well or been good at this last year. Now I feel guilty that all I did was take him out for Mexican food! :)

So, things are good, and tomorrow night we're flying to KC and I'm singing the national anthem on Saturday night at the Royals game. Yay! Right now I'm going to go pack.

Confession

I have a confession.

I got to reading so much about the perils of pregnancy that I scared myself witless and began another round of birth control on Thursday. My husband feels very relaxed about it but agreed that if I were nervous, waiting a month wouldn't be much of a bother. Plus, we've agreed that we're going to read, "We're Pregnant," a book written during the duration of a pregnancy by a happily married couple. Perhaps we need a bit more time to think and talk about not just having a baby--which we know we could do--but the responsibility of raising a person. Eh, in any case, it's only a month. Also, we had done the math and found that we were not, in fact, going to be able to have me stay home for more than a few months. Frustrating! There are many options, however, and the one I like the most would be for me to go into business for myself. In my current position at work (web content specialist, a job that I'm finding to be super-fun), I write copy for the web and for other promotional material, do web layout, interview people, and more. It is so great, and it's something that I could do from home and simply contract out. A woman at work does that--in fact she contracts out part of her week to my company. She said it's a great job to do from home and referred me to the websites of some of her mentors--many of whom are mothers themselves. So I am taking the time to look at this and possibly drum up some business on the side--not for competitors, of course, but local churches or something. I also can do web design. As you can tell, there's a lot to think about. And to be honest, every month of work adds a considerable amount to the bank account, money that we're putting toward our most pressing loans. Every month that I work means two months longer that I could stay home with the baby without working. THAT is a real impetus.

So, now that I don't hate my job, I am indulging my inquisitive side and using the time to educate myself on exactly what I will be going through. My husband is doing so also. Plus, we're fixing up the house as quickly as possible (once I'm pregnant, I really shouldn't be around fumes). So...that's my confession.

As an aside, I really do enjoy this position at work, and I'm great at it so far. This week I get to learn Dreamweaver and I'm teaching myself html programming. After I master most of html (the basics), I'll begin css.

Today is our first anniversary--yay! We had soooo much fun yesterday. We went to the zoo downtown and they had Baby Day, where they had a bunch of activities for kids and all the baby animals on display. My favorite was the baby giraffe. Then we went to the mall and walked around, and after that we came back and made cheese fondue, drank a bottle of champagne, and watched the Pink Panther. And today we played bells in church and went out for nachos and margaritas. Now we're tidying the house and are going to put up our new kitchen fan (it's above 90 today!) because we don't have air conditioning and we have dinner guests coming over at six. We're feeling fat and happy, and ever so much in love. A year ago I would have told you I never could have loved my husband more than I did then, but I do. It is a real blessing in the changing sands of time to feel your infatuation and deep respect for a person grow. It's not just love, it's...intoxicating dedication. Is there anything better than coming home every night to the love of your life? I am so blessed.

Latest Fears

So as I was waiting for my husband to come to bed last night, my latest fear hit me. I've been reading through my pregnancy book, confused about how exactly women SURVIVE this, and I realized that my biggest fear is that my marriage will take a turn for the worse once we add a child to the mix. How realistic is this? Is this a common fear? I don't mind some stress, but I do mind total annihilation.

On a more metaphysical note, I think I will try to track my feelings and thoughts during the pregnancy. Perhaps I can continue my senior thesis habit of writing devotionals throughout my pregnancy, and maybe something will come of it. I've picked out a journal online, though I realize I'll likely end up typing most of it.

Even more updates

I really have had the strangest week. In terms of a job, I ended up staying at work Wednesday after my interview doing projects all day as a trial run. They were impressed with my work and I actually had FUN doing it! So then it turned out they wanted to keep me on as an employee, if anything just so that they wouldn't have to redo paperwork if they chose me for this position, so I got paid time off for Thursday and Friday. The latest update on the job front is that they want me to come in Monday, get to know the rest of the team better, and do more projects (as a paid employee). I figure hey, why not? It will give me time to see if I like it and it'll give them time to see if they like me as much as they think they do.

Graduation was pretty fun. We were in mud up to our ankles--typical Ivy League! Of course they hadn't much prepared for it and weren't apologetic about it. We sat in the rain for hours. My husband and I got our picture taken a bunch because, in an effort to be festive, we put "NEWLY" on his mortar board and "WEDS" on mine. Sitting together, our hats said NEWLYWEDS, and people thought we were a hoot. The University newspaper, the Div school paper, and others came and got our names and such. Fun! Then we had an incredible dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse--yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I had filet mignon, a baked potato, calamari, bread, wine, creme brulee, and coffee. I thought I was going to pop a button off my pants by the end! We had a private dining room because there were so many of us and it was absolutely lovely. I don't think I've enjoyed myself that much in months.

Yesterday I met up with my husband's family and we went for a nice long lunch at Legal Seafood, then walked around Quincy Market, Faneuil Hall, back to the Commons, Prudential, and finally went to the Red Sox game at Fenway. It was great! My mom and brother met us for the Sox game so we had a big line of folks there. It only began raining at the very end--last inning and a half. I had bought a green Sox cap so the rain didn't bother me.

I have to say that it's still strange to have tourists running amok in "my" city--and it's also weird to know that this is now "my" city. I never expected to settle in Boston, but here we are, homeowners, and I think that means we can claim it.

I've been reading that book on pregnancy and I wonder, with all the symptoms that pregnant women have, will I be able to work during the pregnancy???

Update

I feel I must go ahead and update you all and tell you about my day. It was a bit weird as days go. First off, when I arrived at work this morning, knowing I had NO phone calls and just a full day of training ahead of me, I had an overwhelming sense that it was wrong to know I didn't want to stay in this training program and not be honest with my supervisor. The thought of continuing to keep my big trap shut nearly made me sick to my stomach, so I quickly called my husband, cleared it with him, and then spoke with my supervisor in private. I told her I felt this wasn't working out, I didn't see myself going any farther in the training than my current spot, and I felt it was unethical not to tell her. I said it was a waste of her time as well as mine. I mentioned our family plans (within the next year) and pointed out how training is a majority of the first year so it would be a wasted investment on me and I felt that was unfair of me to do to them knowingly. She said she was very impressed that I told her so openly, over a week before our intended review. In general it was a very positive "first quitting" experience, I suppose, and she quickly recommended me for an open position in marketing--even went to every person who will decide on that position and talked to them about me. It was pretty clear that this was my decision to leave the program but not one with any bad blood behind it--it just wasn't a fit. She made it clear that she still felt I was bright, intelligent, a quick study, a hard worker, and a pleasure to work with. Then I went ahead and did training all day, as I had two segments to present myself, and at the end of today I got to leave AT 6!!!! Not 7, but 6!! Woohoo! It was great. And I already have three consecutive interviews set up for the marketing position, which is basically doing the web content, email marketing, etc tomorrow morning. I had a preliminary interview today at lunch. I have absolutely NO idea what will happen with that but I've decided I'm going to roll with it. There are perks to staying there (I already know and generally like everyone, no new paperwork, no more interviewing), but there are also downsides (moving closer downtown in a few months with 300/month parking, far enough away already, etc). So, ehhhhh. I don't know.

So that is where I am. Odd switch, isn't it? But I feel SO relieved. I can't even explain what a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'm a terrible liar and I know it--and I was lying by pretending I was into the program when I wasn't. And now I can concentrate on preparing to make a baby (woohoo!), find a job that is less strenuous, and can, for once, indulge myself a bit.

I feel good.

Fertility

Friday brought about a realisation that had been a long time coming. I've wanted to have a baby for the last...two years? This past year the desire to have children has been especially strong, and I've been putting it off and putting it off for one reason or another. Well, now we are to the point where we could swing a baby, and I haven't been able to concentrate on my job because of it. (Subtext here: job isn't fun, is 60 hours a week of telemarketing, definitely not what I thought it would be, and I don't see myself being happy in it at all, either now or long-term.) While crying on the way home on the cell phone to my husband on Friday (tears + cell phone + driving = stupid, but I did it anyway), the truth came out: I've waited so long already, and I don't believe I'll be happy until I go ahead and move into the next phase of my life, which I am sure is having a child. I want and nearly need to be a stay at home mom. I've been having baby dreams constantly these last few years, feel a surge of anger at Aunt Flo every month, and during the day at work I daydream about being able to stay home and do what*I* want to do, which is be a stay at home mom. It seems like every one of my senses these last two years has been focused on moving into motherhood--I wonder, is it hormones or God's way of nudging me to move into where I need to be. Perhaps it is both? Am I failing my Vandy-Harvard pedigree by wanting to spend the next few years creating a family? (Oh, heavens to Betsy, an Ivy league woman sees the value of children and family! Where is her au pair??) I feel like there's all the time in the world for a career down the line, but this is where I feel I need to go now. Also, I have always known what matters to me most is family, and I'm kidding myself if I declare that I am a career woman first and foremost. I'm not. I'm a girl from a big family who wants a big family of her own, and I'm darned sick and tired of putting it off.

So, we talked it out, and my husband is ready. Financially we can swing it and we've decided to give it a go. I finish this round of birth control within the next few days and I'm not beginning a new one. I've also begun reading The Mother of All Baby Books by Ann Douglas, recommended to me by a friend with four children, and it's great! I especially like the beginning of it where she discusses the impossibility of having a "right time" to have children. She interviewed many women to write this book and includes a lot of their experiences. The jist of it is: there is no good time. If you can make ends meet month to month and you have a healthy marriage, those are all the necessary factors. Well, we are. We're healthy, incredibly happy in our marriage, emotionally grounded, financially stable, and we've wanted a baby for a long time. We kept waiting until it was "time," but it seems like now it's time.

The funny part is the discussion we had after my Friday tearful rant. Saturday morning, having thought through it for awhile, I announced to my husband, "I want to have a baby." He said, "Oh?...okay."
"No, honey, I mean that's what I want to DO."
"I said okay."
"I mean that is what I want to do with my life NOW."
"Right."
"I want to start trying to conceive NOW. I want to be a stay at home mom as soon as possible."
"I said I agree! Geesh. When do finish up this round of birth control?"
"Thursday."
"Then that is when we will begin trying."
(pause)
"...Umm, aren't you going to argue? See I had all these reasons..."
(rolling his eyes) "Were you ready to cry?"
(pause) "...yes."

Now I'm preparing to go for another three days at my ridiculously stressful job, but I hope I'll handle it better now that I know it's not permanent. Thursday and Friday we have off for graduation. I don't know what we'll do if I don't want to stick with this job, or if morning sickness precludes me--I'll probably find work elsewhere for the time being and then will stop working around 5-6 months to prepare for the baby. Who knows?

Oh, and though only two of my readers know my parents, I just want to add the tag that this is not public knowledge in the folks-who-know-me-way. We do not want to disappoint everyone if we don't get preggers right off, so please keep the fact that we are trying mum. (Okay, Gracie and Kat, you also probably realize that we don't want to hear what my MIL has to say about it. This news will go down better once it's reality. My parents have known for a long time that I want a baby asap, so there's no shock there, but if they know, we have to tell my in-laws, and that will not be fun.)

Ah, baby fever! While I'm here, I'll type up a song I like to sing to myself. This is to the tune of Thriller:
I've got the baby FE-VER! FE-VER NOW!
My hormones' goin' crazy and my body wants a baby
Baby FE-VER! Fe-ver now
My womb is going wild and my body wants a child--tonight!

Yes, clearly I have baby fever. I made that up months ago but I still like to get down to it doing dishes.

So that's my news. And I feel so incredibly impatient on so many levels. I feel like for ONCE, I want to put my needs first and follow what my heart has been telling me these past two years. I'm the girl who always does the right, responsible, socially-acceptable thing, and in my social circles, folks don't get pregnant until they're at least 30. Well, I don't want to wait, and I don't see much sense in it either. Perhaps I am being selfish in this regard, but we want four children and I don't want to give birth into my forties. I am nearly always a girl who tests the water with each toe before sloooooooowly getting in, but in all the best decisions of my life, I've simply followed my heart and jumped. I do believe this is one of them.

If anybody reading this blog has recommendations for reading material, please feel free to post. Otherwise, send up some fertility prayers while you're praying tonight.