Never Marry a Career Woman

I found this Forbes article very interesting. Check it out, then read the rest of my post.

First, I was disappointed that the female journalist chose to counter the male journalist's mounds of empirical evidence with anecdotal commentary. Just because she feels these things aren't true for her doesn't mean the studies were wrong in their widespread polls. Moreover, she points out how things are "better" in her marriage...than what? The implied "than" is a marriage in which one spouse stays home with children. She insinuates that this leads to marital dischord (as evidenced by preferring to sit by people other than the spouses at dinners?) and points out that unlike "other" couples, she and her husband enjoy their quality time more and work harder to stay in love with each other. Like I said, her anecdotal commentary isn't very convincing, which is disappointing. I wish she would have scrounged some statistics up, because without them, it looks like she's making it up. (I read a similar commentary in Parents magazine. In a letter to the editor, an angry mother wrote a response to the article on how toddlers should be kept at a healthy body weight through healthy snacks, exercise, and awareness on the part of the parent. It emphasized the fact that many parents delude themselves into thinking their toddlers are healthy when they're really quite overweight--and how this can affect the kid for years to come. Well, the angry mother's toddler was rather husky, and she didn't think he was fat, so the whole article must be wrong!)

Back to the Forbes article at hand. I'm troubled by some of these statistics, as you'll notice they imply that well-educated women, whether they have careers or stay home, are destined to be less happy than their high-school-educated peers. Well, crap. I hope that isn't true. BUT, if it is, I have a possible reason why. I think college-educated people are more likely to fall into the spiritual trap of materialism and success. The reasons for this are not necessary a lack of virtue--instead, it is perhaps a temperament thing.

Let me explain by describing a conversation the husband and I had yesterday. I've realized lately that I have had a lifetime habit of seeing what is "successful" and achieving it, come hell or high water. Read 500 books a summer? No problem! Varsity tennis, varsity volleyball, local community theatre, top band and choir, state choir, local youth symphony, and more while maintaining a 4.0 even taking every honors class and college course available? You got it! This desire to be the best, the most accomplished, the most enviable is part of what led me to Vanderbilt and later to Harvard. And shocker of shockers, it has led me to hope I could make it work in the corporate sector. Wealth is, at my age, the new frontier, and my gut reaction is to conquer it!

But at this point I had to put on the brakes. Did I ever stop to examine whether I really *wanted* to achieve these goals? Nah, not really. I wanted success, I wanted honor, I wanted to be better than all my peers. I fall prey to whatever is successful, materialism included, perhaps because it is in my very temperament. Why else did I work three years and take out massive student loans to slap "Harvard" on my already-impressive pedigree? Spiritually, this is bad. Swallowing my pride is one of the most difficult things for me to do, and engaging in humble acts is painful for me. This is not good. There's absolutely no room for what God wants in this attitude.

Had I not put on the brakes, I could see this taking me down a very dangerous road. Let's call that road the "Restoration Hardware" road. Do I really need a 100 dollar toilet paper holder? Nope. Does it really look different from the 15-dollar one at Lowe's? Nope--except to the trained eye (and this trained eye is not God's eye). As tempting as Restoration Hardware is, if I were to shop there it would be to impress certain people with my success, and that's not how I should be spending my money. I should be spending my money on God, family, community, and charity, not toilet paper holders. It's a matter of priority, and college-educated women like me may fall prey to the evil temptations of pride and desire for success. Dedication to worldly honor was what has driven us thus far, and if we don't stop to think through it, we may continue to ignore God's viewpoint.

But I digress--back to the article. The last point I wanted to make was about the state of homes with working women. What makes this a conundrum is the fact that many women still feel pressure to have Better Homes and Gardens-style homes while working 50 hours a week, shuttling their kids around, maintaining a happy marriage, and maintaining their precious beauty? Is this really possible? I don't think so--something's gotta give. And whatever that "something" is, a woman's likely to feel frustrated about it. All too often it's the relationships with the kids or husband, and this leads to divorce. You can't pay a maid service to listen to your husband talk about his day, and no nanny truly substitutes for time with Mom. Perhaps many women have found out the hard way that you can't have it all--just as men have discovered. I'm feeling this pain now, as I feel pressure to have a spotless home while working 45 hours, commuting up to 2 hours a day, spending time with the dog, talking with the husband, and staying well-read so as to be an interesting person. I haven't even had time for exercise! I can't imagine throwing children to the mix, much less keep this schedule up for long. It's exhausting, and it's taking a toll on our marriage even now. We work hard to overcome it, but I can't imagine working hard to overcome it for the next 40 years until retirement.

How, exactly, do you put a marriage and family first in such a demanding world? Is not being a career woman the ticket, or is it something else? I'd love to hear some thoughts.

Now I know why

Tuesdays suck.

I just received the obituary of one of my sorority sisters. She died Saturday in a car wreck in Memphis.

It's awkward receiving news like this at work.

Tuesdays are Poo-days!

From an email to AutumnAdytum, in an effort to cut down on rewriting and get back to work, as it IS the end of my lunch break in a couple of minutes...

Tonight we're going out to the North End and getting dinner at Dolce Vita (fancy italian restaurant) and then Mike's Pastry for cannolis. I am going with the rest of the marketing dept as a goodbye to a few of our staff who are leaving. And dinner is covered by the company! Woo!

Tuesdays normally suck. I am definitely cranky and am trying to find things to be cranky about but besides the lack of sleep I'm okay. Dammit. Way to ruin a perfectly good bad mood! And then I'll get stuffed with cannolis...what's a girl to do on a Tuesday? I guess I'll have fun, but I don't have to be *happy* about it! :)

I was reading Billy Graham Sunday night and the book was overall very good. But the husband and I had a disagreement about the timeline for dishes--which was totally minor--and then I read a chapter on death and how we should look on the death of a Christian as a release into a better life, and next thing you know the husband is coming in from washing dishes and I burst into tears because I had just finished the chapter and he was like, "I'm sorry! I'll go do more dishes! I'm sorry! Don't cry!" Ha ha ha. I didn't milk it; I told him I was reading about funerals and he put my book away and came to bed and we read fiction together.

Theological Reflection

Last night the husband and I were at dinner, trying to think of *something* to talk about besides babies, and the conversation switched to our faith. After thought, I declared, "You know, I feel like we're living in Patmos."
"Patmos?" He replied.
"Yes, we definitely live in Patmos."
"No, we don't."
"We don't?" I incredulously asked.
(laughing) "No, honey, we live in BABYLON."

Touche, dear husband, touche. We are in the belly of the beast, trying to keep the flame of faith alive in an uncompromisingly spiritually devoid place. When I first moved to Cambridge, the city seemed to exist in shades of gray. After a few months, I realized, "This city has turned its back on God." There is an ethos here that rejects what is good, what is right, what is healthy in the name of militant individualism. We have made a god of secularism, of hippies, of "alternative" and "progressive" thought. Ann Coulter was right--liberalism can be a religion, complete with mantra, dogma, and consequences. Even the origin and afterlife are explained by Darwinism and atheism.

Now that we live in the suburbs, it's not quite as strong, but it is still painfully present. Our home often feels like an outpost, and I spend so much time in defense mode that I rarely nuture my faith. Those who defend their farms against constant attack rarely have time to till and harvest, and I have been struggling so hard to keep what I have that I haven't grown in faith. I wonder sometimes how Christians felt before the fall of Rome, when good sense had gone the way of the wind and self-indulgence was law. Did they feel isolated too?

In better news, I have figured out a way to try to work from home. I'm going to try to drum up some business in editing, as I'm really good at it, enjoy it, and get paid to do it already. Here's the site I've developed. If you know any college/grad students or authors, point them my way! The husband and I are thinking that we'll begin trying to conceive this winter, barring unforeseen problems. I really hate that we've had to put it off.

And in still better news, the husband also had a long talk with his boss about promotions. It looks like in order to fast-track him, we'll have to leave in two and a half years to go to the next council. Darn! And I was SO hoping to stay. This is great news because if we leave in 2.5 years we'll 1) get a cheaper house, 2) he'll get bigger raises more often, and 3) well, we'll get to leave. The first two things also mean we'll be able to afford more kids while I stay home. Woohoo! I realize this is all in the future, but I am pleased that it looks like our rock-and-a-hard-place conundrum is temporary.

I think we're going to tidy the house (haven't done dishes in a week!) and then go for a hike. It'll be great! Chester would be excited if we'd say the word "walk," but we've been putting it off because we don't want him to go bonkers an hour before it's time to go.

Ooo, ooo, will I say it? "Chester, do you wanna go for a walk? You DO??" Hee hee.

New Living Room Color

You'll have to excuse the terribly messy coffee table and left-out sliders; the husband JUST finished the room today so we had pizza-and-movie night. He hates my constant tidying so I'm laying off for the evening.

The thing to the right is the entertainment center; it fits neatly up against the wall. The room really does feel bigger but still pretty pulled-together. With the plain white walls of the base, the room felt really disjointed, but the gold in the walls and the gold in the furniture makes the whole room feel very warm. I think once we have our white oak floors, this room might feel really nice! Here's hoping anyway.

I have started an effort--however small--to drum up some funds via editing (for academia, print, and Web). (Yes, Web is capitalized when not used as an adjective!) Should you or *anyone* you know need anything edited, let me know! I'm hoping to turn this into a job I could do from a home office part-time once we have kids. Here's the site I've begun. Don't be shy, tell a friend!

Speaking of kids, why is it that our liberated ideal of womanhood has morphed into, well, being a man? Monogamy, raising kids, wearing skirts, keeping the family ties...these things are all "old fashioned" it seems. Nowadays we're supposed to wear suits, put the kids in daycare from 7-6 (where they are mostly kept fed and entertained, but not necessarily nurtured), and gosh, I don't know any "modern" woman who puts family first. I find myself in the Yale girls camp--remember that hullabaloo last year? Most Yale co-eds said they'd choose to be stay-at-home-mothers while their kids were young, and feminists went bonkers saying how much my generation has regressed. Am I backwards for not wanting to be a man or fulfill male ideals? What made the masculine approach the better one? That seems like the real sexism to me. Okay, rant is over.

The husband asked me to go back on coffee, as I miss it so much and there's less pep in my step. I've had two cups since this weekend and, well, the thrill is gone. The thrill is gone away...but now I know that I can heartily enjoy a cup of hazelnut java without craving a coffee drip every morning. Very small news, I know.

Work is still going fine; lately I've been working on some email copy and new graphics for the new java site structure. My supervisor has gone round and round with the team in the UK and I can see why he's frustrated. The more I do this job, the more I realize how frustrating bureaucracy can be! He handles it well, though, and I enjoy working under him. The department head is really easy to work with, too. In fact, I like everybody at my office for different reasons, but I think those in my department are teaching me more than the rest. My major contribution to the department (beyond my internet marketing bit) is to be the grammar checker for everyone. Well, it's more than just grammar--it's style, content, fact-checking, the whole bit. Who loves details? Oooh, oooh, ME!!!!!

It's time for bed so I'm off.

Weekend Update

Well, it has been requested that I update, and I confess I don't have much news. The wedding photos are on their way and we've been painting the living room this weekend. We're going with a cream-and-goldish Tuscan Accents and it has struck me that perhaps we should switch the couch and the loveseat to make the room feel more open. We also painted the ceiling and it looks SO much better. Of course, with the white walls (the base of the Tuscan Accents), the carpet looks awful. It really is stained everywhere. We're getting our white oak floors installed in October--woohoo! All we have to do is spruce up the fireplace and our living room will be finished. I plan to post pictures as we go.

I just read We're Pregnant this afternoon. What a roller coaster!!! I laughed, I cried, and I swear I felt like I had given birth by the end. I have such awful baby fever; it's really getting frustrating. The husband still says we'll try this spring because my vacation days will renew and I'll be able to make it to all my doctors' appointments. My vote is this winter. We'll see how the house is going, I suppose.

The husband and I have had some talks recently--he keeps trying to get me excited about B-school--and honestly, it's not fully working. Talking about something that I *kind-of* want while putting off what I *really* want makes me feel like what I *really* want will never happen. Added to that is the fact that I've only committed to think about B-school this spring--I'm still not sold on going. I am honestly still deciding whether the corporate life is for me. The alternative would be to try to have a small business of my own--probably in internet marketing--that would pay small bills while I raise my kids. We say we want four and I just don't see how we're going to have four and have me work full time. What's the point if you're just going to stick them in daycare and after-school care?

As Autumnadytum pointed out, my husband's expectations and mine aren't quite jiving. He never expected to have a stay-at-home wife/mother and I never expected to have to work while the kids were young. I wonder who will win? I don't have any major beef with daycare but I don't relish the idea. I want to raise my own kids. Does this make me closed-minded? Is this an implicit slam on those who put their kids in daycare? I hope not--I don't mean it as such. Am I wasting my Harvard/Vanderbilt education? Maybe, but I also feel like life is more than showing off degrees. There's a deeper side to existence that involves my number one priority--family. Additionally, the fact of the matter is that it's just *not that easy* for me to have a real job while my husband is a career Boy Scout Executive. He's gone in the evenings and random weekends so much that when I work 8-6, I rarely see him. I want to stay home to be with the kids, pick up the slack, and work out of a home office. I want to have a real family, and if we constantly miss each other day-to-day...well, it's just not worth it (having my own corporate career). So these are thoughts that are swimming around in my head. If anybody has any advice or even just thoughts, please add a comment and share. If you have found a balance between bills, kids, and a husband's erratic schedule, would you tell me how you did it?

The husband is really hungry so it's off to the grocery we go, then back to do our final layer of Tuscan gold. I'll post pix once I have them.

Rehearsal Dinner and Shrimp

Yesterday I took a half-day off work to come home and get ready for a rehearsal dinner in Ipswich. I also went to get a manicure and pedicure--something I haven't done in over a year. It is such a frivolous luxury!!! But, I'll be in the wedding, so I felt perhaps it was justified. Added to that is the fact that the husband has been demanding that I do it for a few months now. The toes are a sort of red/fuschia and the fingers are french manicured. I am TOO cute now!

Then we got ready and went to the rehearsal. Anybody else ever try on dresses and say, "What the heck happened here?" My rear fits, my waist fits, but my chest no longer fits. I ended up wearing the same dress that I wore to my rehearsal dinner last year.

We arrived 40 minutes early because I got confused and assumed that the rehearsal began at 6--so we showed up at 5:50. Don't ALL rehearsals start at six? I know they don't, but MINE did, and therein laid my confusion. Luckily the rehearsal was at a restaurant and the surprised wait staff (previously lounging in chairs) jumped up and served us drinks. When we figured out what we had done we all had a good laugh about it.

After the rehearsal but before the dinner we were all having cocktails, cheese, and crackers. We got to talking about food allergies and I noted our honeymoon fiasco, then remembered that shrimp was on the menu *somewhere* that night. Against the husband's embarrassed protestations I caught the attention of a waiter and explained that no shrimp--none!--could touch the husband's plate and that none of the cookware could have had touched shrimp at all. Even though he had ordered the stuffed lobster, I thought there's always a chance something could go wrong. I said I had mentioned this on the reply card but for everyone's sake I wanted to let them know again and I hoped this wouldn't be a problem. The waiter, grateful to have heads-up on a potential crisis, thanked me and scooted off to the kitchen to tell the chef. Then we sat down to dinner. During the salad course, that same waiter came over to us and said, "I'm so glad you told me...because the stuffed lobster is stuffed with shrimp. We've saved one lobster that we can just boil and give to you, or would you rather have the beef or chicken?" The husband chose the boiled lobster, sans shrimp, and ate every last bite.

On the way home he admitted he was glad I had grabbed a waiter. I replied, "Yes, because then you would have had to send the lobster back and ask for something else and that's so embarrassing." He said, "No, honey, I would have eaten it without realizing it and would have stopped halfway through when I could no longer feel my tongue." Then off to the emergency care we would have gone.

Sometimes it's good to be over-cautious. And now I have a big morning of chores ahead of me before we leave here at two for one of the most beautiful weddings in history!!! I'll post pictures later.

Realization

I realized today as I was driving to work that my new standard exercise has been whittled down to walking to/from the car and going up/down the two flights of stairs to my office. Not only that, but I have begun to snack on whatever sweet is available--cookies, snickers, kit kats, twix, what have you. No WONDER I'm not losing weight, even with eating salads!!!! D'oh! So, back to Fitday.com I go. The high temperature for today is 100 so I'm not certain I'll get exercise in, but at the very least I need to start watching what I eat.

No deep thoughts today. I've been sending up lots of prayers for friends lately. Yesterday was a pretty blech day and I'm hoping today will be better, but I'm pretty tired and I'm not sure I'll get enthused at any point. Oh well--it IS Wednesday.