Never Marry a Career Woman

I found this Forbes article very interesting. Check it out, then read the rest of my post.

First, I was disappointed that the female journalist chose to counter the male journalist's mounds of empirical evidence with anecdotal commentary. Just because she feels these things aren't true for her doesn't mean the studies were wrong in their widespread polls. Moreover, she points out how things are "better" in her marriage...than what? The implied "than" is a marriage in which one spouse stays home with children. She insinuates that this leads to marital dischord (as evidenced by preferring to sit by people other than the spouses at dinners?) and points out that unlike "other" couples, she and her husband enjoy their quality time more and work harder to stay in love with each other. Like I said, her anecdotal commentary isn't very convincing, which is disappointing. I wish she would have scrounged some statistics up, because without them, it looks like she's making it up. (I read a similar commentary in Parents magazine. In a letter to the editor, an angry mother wrote a response to the article on how toddlers should be kept at a healthy body weight through healthy snacks, exercise, and awareness on the part of the parent. It emphasized the fact that many parents delude themselves into thinking their toddlers are healthy when they're really quite overweight--and how this can affect the kid for years to come. Well, the angry mother's toddler was rather husky, and she didn't think he was fat, so the whole article must be wrong!)

Back to the Forbes article at hand. I'm troubled by some of these statistics, as you'll notice they imply that well-educated women, whether they have careers or stay home, are destined to be less happy than their high-school-educated peers. Well, crap. I hope that isn't true. BUT, if it is, I have a possible reason why. I think college-educated people are more likely to fall into the spiritual trap of materialism and success. The reasons for this are not necessary a lack of virtue--instead, it is perhaps a temperament thing.

Let me explain by describing a conversation the husband and I had yesterday. I've realized lately that I have had a lifetime habit of seeing what is "successful" and achieving it, come hell or high water. Read 500 books a summer? No problem! Varsity tennis, varsity volleyball, local community theatre, top band and choir, state choir, local youth symphony, and more while maintaining a 4.0 even taking every honors class and college course available? You got it! This desire to be the best, the most accomplished, the most enviable is part of what led me to Vanderbilt and later to Harvard. And shocker of shockers, it has led me to hope I could make it work in the corporate sector. Wealth is, at my age, the new frontier, and my gut reaction is to conquer it!

But at this point I had to put on the brakes. Did I ever stop to examine whether I really *wanted* to achieve these goals? Nah, not really. I wanted success, I wanted honor, I wanted to be better than all my peers. I fall prey to whatever is successful, materialism included, perhaps because it is in my very temperament. Why else did I work three years and take out massive student loans to slap "Harvard" on my already-impressive pedigree? Spiritually, this is bad. Swallowing my pride is one of the most difficult things for me to do, and engaging in humble acts is painful for me. This is not good. There's absolutely no room for what God wants in this attitude.

Had I not put on the brakes, I could see this taking me down a very dangerous road. Let's call that road the "Restoration Hardware" road. Do I really need a 100 dollar toilet paper holder? Nope. Does it really look different from the 15-dollar one at Lowe's? Nope--except to the trained eye (and this trained eye is not God's eye). As tempting as Restoration Hardware is, if I were to shop there it would be to impress certain people with my success, and that's not how I should be spending my money. I should be spending my money on God, family, community, and charity, not toilet paper holders. It's a matter of priority, and college-educated women like me may fall prey to the evil temptations of pride and desire for success. Dedication to worldly honor was what has driven us thus far, and if we don't stop to think through it, we may continue to ignore God's viewpoint.

But I digress--back to the article. The last point I wanted to make was about the state of homes with working women. What makes this a conundrum is the fact that many women still feel pressure to have Better Homes and Gardens-style homes while working 50 hours a week, shuttling their kids around, maintaining a happy marriage, and maintaining their precious beauty? Is this really possible? I don't think so--something's gotta give. And whatever that "something" is, a woman's likely to feel frustrated about it. All too often it's the relationships with the kids or husband, and this leads to divorce. You can't pay a maid service to listen to your husband talk about his day, and no nanny truly substitutes for time with Mom. Perhaps many women have found out the hard way that you can't have it all--just as men have discovered. I'm feeling this pain now, as I feel pressure to have a spotless home while working 45 hours, commuting up to 2 hours a day, spending time with the dog, talking with the husband, and staying well-read so as to be an interesting person. I haven't even had time for exercise! I can't imagine throwing children to the mix, much less keep this schedule up for long. It's exhausting, and it's taking a toll on our marriage even now. We work hard to overcome it, but I can't imagine working hard to overcome it for the next 40 years until retirement.

How, exactly, do you put a marriage and family first in such a demanding world? Is not being a career woman the ticket, or is it something else? I'd love to hear some thoughts.