Friday brought about a realisation that had been a long time coming. I've wanted to have a baby for the last...two years? This past year the desire to have children has been especially strong, and I've been putting it off and putting it off for one reason or another. Well, now we are to the point where we could swing a baby, and I haven't been able to concentrate on my job because of it. (Subtext here: job isn't fun, is 60 hours a week of telemarketing, definitely not what I thought it would be, and I don't see myself being happy in it at all, either now or long-term.) While crying on the way home on the cell phone to my husband on Friday (tears + cell phone + driving = stupid, but I did it anyway), the truth came out: I've waited so long already, and I don't believe I'll be happy until I go ahead and move into the next phase of my life, which I am sure is having a child. I want and nearly need to be a stay at home mom. I've been having baby dreams constantly these last few years, feel a surge of anger at Aunt Flo every month, and during the day at work I daydream about being able to stay home and do what*I* want to do, which is be a stay at home mom. It seems like every one of my senses these last two years has been focused on moving into motherhood--I wonder, is it hormones or God's way of nudging me to move into where I need to be. Perhaps it is both? Am I failing my Vandy-Harvard pedigree by wanting to spend the next few years creating a family? (Oh, heavens to Betsy, an Ivy league woman sees the value of children and family! Where is her au pair??) I feel like there's all the time in the world for a career down the line, but this is where I feel I need to go now. Also, I have always known what matters to me most is family, and I'm kidding myself if I declare that I am a career woman first and foremost. I'm not. I'm a girl from a big family who wants a big family of her own, and I'm darned sick and tired of putting it off.
So, we talked it out, and my husband is ready. Financially we can swing it and we've decided to give it a go. I finish this round of birth control within the next few days and I'm not beginning a new one. I've also begun reading The Mother of All Baby Books by Ann Douglas, recommended to me by a friend with four children, and it's great! I especially like the beginning of it where she discusses the impossibility of having a "right time" to have children. She interviewed many women to write this book and includes a lot of their experiences. The jist of it is: there is no good time. If you can make ends meet month to month and you have a healthy marriage, those are all the necessary factors. Well, we are. We're healthy, incredibly happy in our marriage, emotionally grounded, financially stable, and we've wanted a baby for a long time. We kept waiting until it was "time," but it seems like now it's time.
The funny part is the discussion we had after my Friday tearful rant. Saturday morning, having thought through it for awhile, I announced to my husband, "I want to have a baby." He said, "Oh?...okay."
"No, honey, I mean that's what I want to DO."
"I said okay."
"I mean that is what I want to do with my life NOW."
"Right."
"I want to start trying to conceive NOW. I want to be a stay at home mom as soon as possible."
"I said I agree! Geesh. When do finish up this round of birth control?"
"Thursday."
"Then that is when we will begin trying."
(pause)
"...Umm, aren't you going to argue? See I had all these reasons..."
(rolling his eyes) "Were you ready to cry?"
(pause) "...yes."
Now I'm preparing to go for another three days at my ridiculously stressful job, but I hope I'll handle it better now that I know it's not permanent. Thursday and Friday we have off for graduation. I don't know what we'll do if I don't want to stick with this job, or if morning sickness precludes me--I'll probably find work elsewhere for the time being and then will stop working around 5-6 months to prepare for the baby. Who knows?
Oh, and though only two of my readers know my parents, I just want to add the tag that this is not public knowledge in the folks-who-know-me-way. We do not want to disappoint everyone if we don't get preggers right off, so please keep the fact that we are trying mum. (Okay, Gracie and Kat, you also probably realize that we don't want to hear what my MIL has to say about it. This news will go down better once it's reality. My parents have known for a long time that I want a baby asap, so there's no shock there, but if they know, we have to tell my in-laws, and that will not be fun.)
Ah, baby fever! While I'm here, I'll type up a song I like to sing to myself. This is to the tune of Thriller:
I've got the baby FE-VER! FE-VER NOW!
My hormones' goin' crazy and my body wants a baby
Baby FE-VER! Fe-ver now
My womb is going wild and my body wants a child--tonight!
Yes, clearly I have baby fever. I made that up months ago but I still like to get down to it doing dishes.
So that's my news. And I feel so incredibly impatient on so many levels. I feel like for ONCE, I want to put my needs first and follow what my heart has been telling me these past two years. I'm the girl who always does the right, responsible, socially-acceptable thing, and in my social circles, folks don't get pregnant until they're at least 30. Well, I don't want to wait, and I don't see much sense in it either. Perhaps I am being selfish in this regard, but we want four children and I don't want to give birth into my forties. I am nearly always a girl who tests the water with each toe before sloooooooowly getting in, but in all the best decisions of my life, I've simply followed my heart and jumped. I do believe this is one of them.
If anybody reading this blog has recommendations for reading material, please feel free to post. Otherwise, send up some fertility prayers while you're praying tonight.
4 comments:
My mother told me once, "If you wait until you're ready, you'll never have kids."
I think your mother's advice was spot on.
Good luck! I'm pulling for ya!
Yay! Congratulations!
Okay, I really enjoyed the William and Martha Sears books. One is called "Baby Book: Everything you need to know from Birth to Age Two" -- I think! Check Amazon.
I would strongly caution against Dr. Ezzo's book and advice. (He's not a medical doctor, although he's been known not to correct people introducing him as such on radio...) His books are called "Babywise" and the smugly titled "Growing Kids God's Way."
PLEASE don't start hating on me, Ezzo-followers. C, the first thing you'll notice is that people are serious about their baby raising techniques. It might be best just to pray.
:)
First of all: AMEN. I don't know how much of my archives you have read, but I can echo a lot of what you just said. It may not be Ivy League, but I have a law degree from Canada'a equivalent to Harvard, which I am using Oh so heavily as I work at Starbucks in order to get health benefits so that I can have kids.
Second, don't get too frustrated if you don't get pregnant right away. A lot of women take a few months to start ovulating after going off the pill, and most experience less fertile-quality cervical fluid for many months. My cycles are only now starting to have a recognizeable pattern of fertile fluid (except this month, which was wacky with all the traveling.) I highly recommend "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. I have been using the fertility awareness method for birth control since December, and I intend to use it for trying to conceive in the near future (come on, health insurance!)
Third: Dang, I wish you lived closer! I've known you a few months, tops? and I feel like we have soooo much in common! I would love to have a trying to conceive friend nearby to commiserate with! (Not to mention a Christian, married, theologically-educated friend!)
Fourth: I can't say I'm surprised about the job, but I'm glad you're finally facing it. I've been hearing undertones of discontent since you started talking about your job. I'm glad you're using the negative experience to point you towards things you truly desire. I had a really bad job last year, which left me in tears several times a week, and kept me from seeing my husband awake for days at a time. It really makes you think about what you're really willing to sacrifice for career. Not my family, I discovered. (I wrote about my job a fair amount on my LJ, but always under a friends cut. I've added you if you feel like reading some "misery loves company" whining. I worked there from September 2004 until July 2005.)
Okay, if you can actually make up a song that makes sense to the tune of Thriller about babies you have got Baby fever BAD WOMAN. Hurry up and have a kid and get it out of your system :) Lips are zipped to anyone connected to your 'rents.
Post a Comment